You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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