I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
