My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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