I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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