Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Randomize
