my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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