I faked an abortion last night.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
