I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
