i'm signing you up for texting rehab
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
