i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
