accomplished twins. life is a go
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
