Michael Bay diarrhea
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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