ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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