just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
