3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
