Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
