Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
