Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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