So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
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You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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