Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
