you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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