I wish they made helmets for livers.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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