she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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