Apparently you make a good broom.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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