Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She bit a glass in half.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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