I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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