He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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