Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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