I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet