So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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