She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The feeling are messing with the penis
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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