i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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