At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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