There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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