dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
