I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
