The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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