i don't plan on having that self control this summer
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
