i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
