i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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