by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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