captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
