and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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