proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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