If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
