I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
