you didnt know i had herpes?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
