He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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