Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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