At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
