i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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