One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
