seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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