Are we in a gay sports bar?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish you could order shots online.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
