I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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