So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
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In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
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He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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