It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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