I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
