I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
